Another Middle Earth Challenge: How to Act Elegant in Times of Crysis
by SilverMoonrise
Summary: Exactly as the title suggests, this is a handbook to help you just incase you get dropped into Middle Earth. But, that's highly unlikely, so read it anyway. I need ideas-read the note on chapter three/unit two (Meet the King) to find out more. Disclaimer: J.R.R Tolkien owns Lord of the Rings(sorry, fandom :/)
1. Contents

**Contents(still a work in progress):**

Unit 1: How to Not look like an Idiot Upon Arrival

Unit 2: ...

Unit 3: ...

**Ok, I'll cut in here. Hey there, I'm Silver. SilverMoonrise. I'm still working on it, so the contents page will be growing as we go along. Now, There's been numerous fan fictions about girls being dropped, sucked, spelled into Middle Earth, etcetera. So, this book will hopefully be something nobody's written yet, I certainly haven't read one. As the title suggests, this is a handbook to refer to in case you get dropped, sucked, spelled into Middle Earth, etcetera. But, I mean, just read it anyway, because, unfortunately that is very unlikely.  
To start each chapter, I will include what has happened in previous fan fictions and all the do's and don'ts of the topic (maybe an author's note). Then, there will be a journal entry. This adventure isn't very...normal. You wouldn't expect it. I'll be jumping around, so it's not a continuous story. Well, It kind of is, but it's not, if you get what I'm saying. No, you don't, so you'll find out along the way.  
I'm finding some trouble finding topics, so if you could send me a PM or review with a topic name and some guidelines on how to write the entry.  
This time, there's no Mary-Sues or Legomances.  
Hope you guys like it :D  
Oh, and don't only review to help with ideas, please, tell me what you think of it.**

**-SilverMoonrise**

**NB: This handbook is a guide for ACTING elegant. You don't need to necessarily BE elegant.**


	2. How Not to Look Like Idiot Upon Arrival

How to Not look like an Idiot Upon Arrival 

Now, we've heard of girls being dropped into Middle Earth, we've heard of the sister sending the girl to Middle Earth, we've heard of girls turning up naked or in their underwear in Middle Earth and we've heard of girls getting charms or talismans or something and switching places with Arwen or Legolas etcetera. Now, you'll think I'm out of my mind(you're probably right, but anyway) but what if that's not what happens? What if you ended up in a place _other_ than Mirkwood or Rivendell or the Shire or...whatever, you get my point. What then?

**When you find yourself in Middle Earth, Do:**

Remain as calm as is possible

Look for characters you know

Blink continuously

Introduce yourself before they try to kill you

Be wary of any signs of Orcs, Wargs, etcetera*

(If you have no clue where you are) Go North. Unless you're in the North. In that case, go South

**When you find yourself in Middle Earth, don't, and I mean DON'T:**

Flirt with the hot guys

Panic, you might run into a wall or something

Yell or shout or make any loud noises*

Stand up or move until they decide you're not a threat

Wonder out loud where the hell you are

Stop and chat to any form of talking animal*

Start blabbing about how much you love Lord of the Rings

Ask if you're still on Earth. Because. You're. Not.

Faint. Do not. It's happened way too many times

(If you're naked) DO NOT UNCOVER YOURSELF! REMEMBER, YOU'RE NAKED! NO MATTER HOW UNREAL IT SEEMS!

**MENTION THE RING. Just don't.**

*****_if you happen to be alone_

**_Journal Entry_**

_I saw the headlights coming at me. There was a sharp pain, but it only lasted a few heartbeats. Then, there was only the blissful calmness of death._

I screwed up my shut eyes at the bright light that was suddenly filtering through my lids. I sighed and waited for my sleep-dulled senses to come back to me. Then I realised how hard the ground was. I'd probably fallen off the bed during my nightmare. I opened my eyes. Then closed them again. I sat up and rubbed my eyes, then looked around again.

_I'm on...the slope of a volcano...without the actual volcano._

I stood up slowly and stretched. Then I stopped when I noticed the silver wrap that was covering me was my hair, and it was unravelling. Something in my memory stirred, and an image of a short, plump girl with obsidian eyes and a brown bob appeared in my mind. There were faint freckles on her cheeks.

_That can't be me..._This body was tall and slender and the hair was a shining silver.

Then I saw the headlights coming at me, and felt the pain. _I died._

I looked around again. So this was death. The slope of a seemingly non-existent volcano. I breathed deeply, then started off toward the shadows.

I ended up in a forest. I just walked all day and all night, not really sleeping. The rocky planes gave way to lush forest.

And there she was. With pointed ears, though, I didn't notice this at first. She stopped and looked around.

I stepped out of the shadows, "Sorry, could you tell me where I should head to next?"

She stepped back, alarmed. Then regarded me. Most of my hair was still covering me, but it was starting to unwrap itself and was now trailing in the leaves behind me.

I looked down at myself, then looked back at her, "What?"

"Who...are you?"

"I'm...uh...I'm..." I frowned. Who was I? My memory stirred, and I saw the girl again. I didn't know my name. "I...don't really know."

"Which realm are you from?"

"...Where do..._did_ I come from...I...don't really know either."

"And where are you headed?"

"Wherever the new people go to. I just died, ok, so I don't really know...what are you gaping at?"

"But you are standing before me. How could you have died?"

"This is death isn't it?"

"My lady, you are in Middle Earth."

"Really? Never heard of it. Uh, what is this place? This forest?"

"This is the home of the Wood-Elves. This is Mirkwood."

I shivered, "So, is there a place I could...stay for the time being?"

She thought for a moment, "Perhaps we should consult the king..."

I slapped my forehead, "King? Please, no, not another fat moron."

**_To be continued..._**


	3. Meet the King

**Thanks Squishy and follower! This is for you guys.**

How Not to Screw up the Moment you meet the King

Yes, it's happened many times over; person has no idea who Galadriel or Thranduil or...whoever is in the high seat at the time, and screws it up completely. If it's Galadriel or Elrond, you don't need to be worried, they're tolerant...most of the time. Thranduil is a different story on a different bookshelf. Hell, Thranduil is a completely different universe! **After this chapter, the adventure begins, and everyone can now come up with brilliant ideas for following chapters. Review if you like it. PM me or review if you have an idea for a chapter. You can do whatever with Silver, but I still have to approve of it. Have fun :D**  
Take the following into consideration:

**Upon meeting the king/queen, Do:**

Kneel. Just do it. On the ground. Lower. There you go.

Listen

Nod

Speak only when being asked a question

You should be fine if you do those four...but just in case...

**Upon meeting the king/queen, if you like having your head on your shoulders, DON'T:**

Fiddle

Make sarcastic comments

Ask what the heck is going on

Make eye contact

Laugh out loud

Ask if they like you. That's happened to poor old Legolas countless times. He's probably getting sick of it. So steer clear.

Ask their age*. They'll probably ramble on for hours about it.

_*especially if it's an Elf_

**_Journal Entry_**

Long story short; some big dog wolf thing appeared, snarling, and I ran blindly through the trees.

Then guess who I happened to ram into.

I yelped and skidded backward. I reached out a hand to grasp a tree, but the tree wasn't there. I landed on my backside, my long hair unravelling completely. I hurriedly gathered it around myself again.

I looked up at the fair-haired being I had crashed into. He looked vaguely familiar.

"_Legolas_." said a voice at the back of my mind.

"Legolas?" I blurted.

"Legolas." he nodded, looking vaguely amused.

"_Prince Legolas."_ said the voice.

"Prince Legolas. Wait, what?"

He cocked his head to one side, "And who might you be?"

"Dude, I have no clue. Don't ask where I came from; I don't know either. Don't ask what I am, I really don't know."

"You are an Elf, are you not?"

"Huh?"

"You must have Elven blood. Your ears..."

I reached one hand up to me ear. Sure enough, pointed as a spike. "Well, that's new. I think. Uh, this is death, right?"

"This is the forest of Mirkwood. The land is called Middle Earth."

"Really? I'm pretty sure I died...Hey, who's this...king?"

"King Thranduil. My father."

I stood up, still clasping my hair around me, "So, uh, I guess the appropriate phrase would be 'take me to your leader'. Right?"

* * *

"And what do they call you?" King Thranduil's eyes bored into me, making me lose my cool completely.

"I...don't really know. But I think it should be Silver." I don't know where I came up with that name. It was probably from the colour of my hair.

"And you seek shelter in my kingdom?"

"Uh...yeah."

He thought about this for a moment. Then, "Considering that you have the ears of the Elves, you may stay here until you have found out who you are, or until you decide to leave us. After that, you are on your own."

"Er...thanks, I guess?"

The king nodded.

**Send her to Gondor or wherever. Do interesting things in the palace. I need ideas.**


	4. Orcs

Rules and Regulations of the Races: Orcs

**So sorry I've been gone so long. Leaver's party, Matric farewell, end of exams parties, Catching Fire, Ping-Pong-athons, speech nights, poetry evenings, etcetera. Wow, I use the word 'etcetera' a lot!  
Anyway, this was Kath's (Frodo's) idea, so this is dedicated to her. Thanks reviewers, favs, followers of all my fics. All five of them. That I'm working on now. All at once. ... ... ...  
*coughcough* anyway, I'M PLAYING TITANIUM IN THE MUSIC CONCERT! HAH!**

**And I got an award for creative writing and public speaking. It was a guide on publishing books for first time writers. I'll tell you guys when my book's been published! ;D**

**Enjoy :D xxx**

**Stumble upon an Orc? Consider the following:**

Reach for your weapon in a way that seems hero-like

(missing a weapon?) back away slowly then run like a bat out of hell (a bat which did not enjoy its stay in hell)

Always be wary. Those things can _throw_

Hit it on the head (refer to _Where Evil Lies Hidden-Upon Clobbering Orcs_ to read more on this technique)

**I'd advise:**

Don't turn your back

Don't scream

Don't make any sudden movements

Don't make any slow movements-

Oh, who am I kidding? In short, hit it over the head with something...or run. Or find Legolas. He's good at shooting these things.

**_Journal Entry_**

I ran.

Like a bat out of hell. (A bat who didn't enjoy its stay in hell and wanted to get away with its life)

There was an Orc behind me. An _Orc_ for heaven's sake!

_I should've just stayed indoors!_

They'd tried to warn me. But did the new girl with silver hair and pointy ears listen?

If you answered yes, you may want to have your brain checked.

Then my supposedly genius brain kicked in. I ducked under a thick branch, then stopped to watch the show.

The Orc ran at full speed into the branch, winding it. It wasn't dead. Or unconscious. I should've run, but I decided (for reasons only my brain knows) to kick the thing. It kicked at me and I went flying over the tree tops, screaming and flailing. Then I landed on...(tatan tatan) a tree. The very top branch. I clung to the thing, waiting for it to stop swaying.

I cursed the wind, then looked down from a dizzying height.

_Bloody well done, Silver. Now how do you plan to get down?_

Did I mention that I had a fear of heights? Well, now you know.

I looked around. Not much. The sun was only just starting to rise.

Somehow, I managed to half slide - half fall down to the ground.

I had no clue where I was. I looked back and saw heavy footprints marking the damp floor.

I decided that I wouldn't be going for midnight strolls in the forest alone any longer.

...

But I really should stop deciding to do things, because I always manage to do the opposite.


	5. Mutated Hobbits

Rules and Regulations of the Races: Mutated Hobbits

**HEY! Miss me? No? Oh, well, that's to be expected, I guess. But you won't believe how many emails I got of updates. I'll tell you anyway :D in three weeks...162 emails! It took me an hour to sort them :G**

**I hope you all had a happy Christmas and may your 2014 be filled with weird and wonderful fan fictions, reviews, favourites and followers! **

**Every time I saw the Desolation of Smaug, I had a compelling urge to go kiss a frog and hope it would turn into the prince of Mirkwood...:D**

**Yup, you guessed it. This chapter's on Gollum. Thank you to NarglesandNightlock ( the former PrincessRue11) for coming up with this. I'm doing Elves for the following chapter and trolls for the next and then Wargs and so on (still following on Frodo's idea). **

**Thank you, reviewers, favers, followers...I hope I remembered to reply personally...  
Please alert me to any typos...my keyboard is really retarded sometimes...**

**See you next time. **

**Enjoy! xxx**

**You shouldn't go snooping around at night. But if you do, and you meet Gollum, do:**

Be ready for him to jump at you

Keep your weapon drawn

Call him Sméagol, hopefully he'll pause to think

Engage in conversation to put him in a good mood

Make a truce once he's in a good mood

Tie him (preferably with Elven-made rope) once you've made a truce

Thank him for any dead creature he's brought you, and cook it while he's not watching

**And DON'T:**

Call him Gollum

Bring up the Ring

Turn your back

Make sudden movements

Force him to do anything

Complain

Make like you want him dead (remember Sam)

Do NOT, however hilarious it may seem, make fun of his speech

If you're running away, use the sun or moon to your advantage. It hates the light.

**_Journal Entry_**

I stared into the cave. Thranduil had told me not to go into the cave. But that just made me more keen to explore it. And this time, I was armed with a stick. I went in.

"We only _wish_," there was a wet thunk, "to catch a _fish_," splat, "So juicy _sweeet_!"

This creature was new to me, greyish and skeletal with big green eyes, a protruding spine and a high, broken voice. I stubbed my toe on a rock. The rock didn't move, but my lips parted and a faint gasp slipped out.

The creature stopped slapping the fish against a rock and turned to look at me. It dropped the fish and bounded toward me. I didn't have time to react (except dropping the stick). It pinned me to the wall, it's eyes roaming over me. Probably wondering if I was edible.

"What have we found, precious?" It reeked of rotten fish. "It has long hair, yess, and it's a strange colour! Does it look like it tastes good? No, it's too thin_ Gollum, Gollum_! But it smells like Elves, yess precious..."

"Uh..who are you?"

"It asks our name, precious, _Gollum, Gollum_! What should we tell it?"

"Ngh. What?"

"They called me Sméagol, but then they called me Gollum, precious, they can't make up their minds, _Gollum, Gollum_!"

It wasn't eating me because it didn't know if I was edible. I had no idea what to do. I just wanted to get away from the hellish creature.

I thought about using the fact that it was intrigued by my hair to my advantage.

"You are interested in my hair?"

"Nothing has long hair like that! And nothing can shine with the colour of Moon! Are you Moon? Or are you nothing?"

"Can you pass me my stick?"

It stared at me for a moment longer, then picked up my stick and gave it to me. "What does it want the stick for, precious?" it paused, then glared at me, "Is it going to try and kill us, _Gollum, Gollum_? No, we'll kill it first, precious, and see if Moon-nothing tastes good, yess!"

"Uh, I think you'll have serious blockage after eating me." I said, "And my name isn't moon or nothing. It's Silver."

"Silver?" it tasted the name, "Yess, it's slick and slippery and shiny. It's Silver, precious. Is it a Hobbitses?"

"Uh...no...I'm human."

"It's a," it gasped, "_Human_!"

I slung my hair over my shoulder and glared at him, "Step back." It obliged, still staring at my hair.

I ran, my hair flying out behind me. There was a wail behind me, but I was already sprinting down the home stretch to the light. Something grabbed at my hair, but I threw my stick at it. I emerged, blinking, into the sunlight.

The thing came hurtling out of the cave, then clutched at its eyes and ran back in, screaming. I counted to ten. The thing wasn't coming back.


End file.
